


On Her Majesty's Secret Service

by Attasee



Series: The Q Branch Files [1]
Category: James Bond (Craig movies), James Bond - All Media Types
Genre: Flash Fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-28
Updated: 2017-04-28
Packaged: 2018-10-25 02:13:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,173
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10754619
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Attasee/pseuds/Attasee
Summary: Q Branch like a good memo. Especially when new members join their team.





	On Her Majesty's Secret Service

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Tink535](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tink535/gifts).



> This is my first attempt at 00Q....

 

 

**CLASSIFIED INFORMATION**

  **TOP SECRET**

Private and Confidential

This document is not to be distributed outside of Q Branch. All and any information held within and relating to is covered under the Official Secrets Act 1989.

 

* * *

 

Dear New Q Branch Employee

First, let me welcome you to our department. By now you will have had the official ‘Welcome to MI6’ tour, been allocated a mentor, issued your own mug and obtained your restricted access documentation including name badge and lanyard. (Please note if you haven’t completed all of these you a) shouldn’t be reading this and b) need to report to R immediately.)

At Q Branch we like to do things differently – it is the reason why we are the best at what we do. It has been noted however that during the last intake of technicians certain elements of our role within SIS may be have been overlooked during the orientation training day. To address this issue we have decided to produce guidance which we hope will help to settle into your new role more comfortably.

We request that this information does not leave Q Branch. May I remind you that you are bound by the Official Secrets Act 1989 and the Data Protection Act 2003 which covers all employees and the access to any information we may hold about our future and past assets and agents. Please read this information carefully, make notes if needed and where appropriate. If you have any further queries please contact me via email (24 hours) (I do not answer the phone).

With warmest regards

Q

**Introduction**

The extensive pool of agents that we look after, monitor, equip and mollycoddle here at Q Branch has grown considerably over the past few years. From our lowly beginnings as a small ramshackle department working out of a shed in Croydon we have grown into one of the largest and most important (indispensable) teams within MI6. Over the last 12 months we personally handled over fifteen active missions, all of which ensured our beloved Queen and Country remained safe and secure. This success is down to the finely honed relationship we have developed with our lead agents, in particular those with the prefix of 00. In order to ensure this ‘finely honed relationship’ remains in place the following bullet point guide has been issued which we hope will assist you come the time when you finally have the ‘pleasure’ of working with them.    

  1. Do not listen to an agents 'bullshit'. Learn to filter out the wheat from chafe. Experience has shown us that in most cases the information you will need is usually at the end of the long winded story e.g. _“There was a lot going on Q.... It was night time and it was dark, lots of foliage... the place next door was on fire... No natural or synthetic light available... small explosion from next door hindered the situation further... strapnel everywhere... Two targets where to my rear and three to the front. I returned fire four times successfully – all targets eliminated blah blah blah. I lost my gun.” James Bond, Morocco 2014_



          For ease (and for one time only) we have underlined the only thing that you need to know.

 

  1. Agents (Double 0) are not allowed access to your desktop PC, laptop or smartphone under any circumstance. In particular do not allow them to order food from the Just Eat’in website. It will cause irreparable damage to your hard drive and once caused a power outage in South London. Your laptop must also not be used in the bath under any circumstances.



 

  1. _**It is your workstation, there are many like it but this one is yours. Your workstation is your best friend. It is your life. You must master it as you master your life. Without you it is useless, without your workstation you are useless.**  _Please cut and paste the this onto a word document, print it out and Sellotape it to your workstation. This is mandatory, irrespective of what 007 says.



 

  1. 006 and 007 are the senior ranking agents. Do not query this fact or liken 007 to an old war ship.



 

  1. Remember the pen is mightier than the sword. You have been recruited to this department because you can do more damage sat watching Steven Seagal in Under Siege wearing just your underwear while drinking a mug of tea (© Q). We do not need a trigger – please remind the double 0 agents of this when they try to touch your workstation. Also see point 2 re using your laptop in the bath.



 

  1. We do not make exploding pens.



 

  1. Or cars that go underwater. 007 will inquire after this repeatedly. If he does, please point him in the direction of Q’s office.



 

  1. All missions are recorded. All of them. If an agent is participating in a ‘honey trap’ you must continue to record and listen in. This is not so you can ‘learn from the master’. The phrase 'Loose lips sink ships' applies to both sides and assets are more likely to disclose information when they are ‘relaxed’. Please also note agents do wear earwigs and recording devices at all times during a mission. Remind your agent to remove these items immediately upon completion of their mission. They cannot take any of these items home because they will continue to record.



 

  1. Our Agents are reminded regularly to return any items they are issued (as above), but even here, at Q Branch we are aware that this may always not be possible. Therefore all equipment should be returned regardless of condition. This allows us to rebuild, destroy, strip, and wipe down the item thoroughly. Do not take no for an answer whatever tactic your agent chooses to deploy. All Q Branch employees should be fully aware that the Double 0 agents are skilled operatives. They will try to pull the wool over your eyes repeatedly. Do not fall for their charms or the sweet nothings they will try to whisper into your ear at 2am, 3am, 4:35am, 5am and upon their subsequent return to base/home (see 8).



 

  1. We are not prudes at Q Branch, neither do we ‘clutch our pearls’ at the mention of sex (irrespective of what 0011 says) this is why we allow interdepartmental relationships. This **is** a new development. Please use caution at all times. The broom cupboard next to the armoury and range is **NOT** soundproof (yet).



 

  1. Do not disclose any information about your sex life to Moneypenny.



 

  1. Or M. Especially not M.



 

  1. Tanner, on the other hand is discreet and surprisingly quite knowledgeable.



 

  1. Alec ‘call me 006’ Trevelyan is a wind up merchant. Approach with caution.



 

  1. Bond belongs to Q.



 

* * *

 

This information has been produced only as a guide. We pride ourselves at Q Branch for thinking on our feet and situations can change. We therefore appreciate any feedback you may have and look forward to working with you.

 **Addendum:** Apparently we have failed to mention that 'running a book' and/or a 'sweepstake' will not be encouraged.  

 

  

   

 

 

 

 


End file.
